A Connecticut cat is under ‘house arrest’ for biting six different people in the neighborhood, according to published reports.
Louie the cat, perhaps acting out his favorite Hip-Hop songs, has been a positive terror in his ‘hood as he leaps, lunges and latches onto the nearest human, biting or scratching away precious calf muscle, tendons, and god knows what else.
Assuming the cat wants to continue living, I suggest his owners immediately implement a crisis re-positioning campaign.
Having counseled many mean-spirited humans seeking to soften their tough guy images, I’d suggest the following:
1.) Rename Louie. Call him Fluffy, Cuddles or, maybe, even Honey Bun. If he does continue his pit bull impersonation, victims would be too embarrassed to admit they’d been bitten by Cuddles the cat.
2.) Embark on a therapy and re-training program to change his Mike Tyson-like deportment and issue "progress reports" along the way. This will make everyone glad to see the cat has admitted fault and is making amends. As anyone in my business will tell you, Crisis Communications 101 calls for admitting fault and putting corrective steps in place to make sure whatever happened never happens again.
3.) Go on the speaking circuit as an anti-violence advocate and educator. The media would take to this strategy like a kitty does to catnip. They’d eat it up, especially Oprah. Just imagine Cuddles the cat telling all those fawning women in Oprah’s studio audience about how he overcame his hostile and aggressive tendencies and today schools other felines about their anger management issues.
4.) The little guy should also think about penning an autobiography. How about this for a working title: "My bite is worse then my mew"
There are probably scores of other strategies the cat and his handlers could implement to re-position the vicious little bastard. Assuming he can reform his horrific habits and, assuming his owners decide they don’t want him anymore, we’d certainly welcome him in our office. I’m sure he’d make quick work of our mice problem.