A special report from The Pluto Post & Gazette

Earthlings declare Pluto a non-planet; Mass riots break out in key cities; President W9 vows revenge

Pluto City, Pluto, August 24, 2006 — The entire planet of Pluto is in an uproar today after reports that Earth, the third planet in our solar system, downgraded our world to "dwarf planet" status.

According to published reports, widespread rioting has broken out in such Plutonian cities as NumberPluto  9, Last-in-Line Junction and Cold as Hellville.

Plutonian President W9, who is expected to address the entire planet tonight at 8pm PDT (that’s Plutonian Daylight Time), issued the following statement, "While we are appalled by the decision of Earth’s astronomers to remove Pluto from the so-called ‘official’ solar system, we are not surprised. The third planet, and its occupants, are easily the most self-centered, egomaniacal race in the history of the universe. We not only reject their assertion that Pluto should be downgraded to dwarf planet status, we also hereby withdraw from the existing solar system and are announcing the formation of the new XPL solar system, which will be exclusive to smaller planets. We welcome asteroids, meteors and comets of all sizes, races and genders to join our inclusive system."

Back on Earth, published reports indicate that people everywhere are uniting in support of Pluto and are calling on the planet’s astronomers to change their ruling. "Little planets are just as important and just as real as the big ones, " said Marvin Martian, the red planet’s ambassador to Pluto. "Our hearts go out to Plutonians in their hour of turmoil and grief caused by the imperialist hegemony of the Earthen entity."

Meanwhile, here in Pluto City, government officials are already busy changing names of airports, highways and buildings. "Since Earth saw fit to take away our designation as the ninth planet, you’ll no longer find the number nine in our math system or in official government names," noted Pluto’s Homeland Security Secretary Q568X. "In fact, Number 9 City has just been renamed 8 1/2."

Curiously, small cap stocks outperformed the rest of the market in an extremely active Plutonian trading day, and smaller market sports teams all won their respective sporting events last night. Pluto State University Sociology Professor V85t83 says such events may be more than mere coincidence. "It’s my belief that things happen for a reason. Maybe, at long last, the stars are finally aligned. Here’s hoping that Plutonians can get past their ‘size’ issues and, as the hub of a new system, finally be the big fish in a small pond.

16 thoughts on “A special report from The Pluto Post & Gazette

  1. Oh yeah. You’ll find the usual assemblage of McDonalds, BKs and Starbucks. Mickey D’s dwarfburgers are to die for.

  2. According to Pluto Post & Gazette sources, the Walt Disney Company purchased all naming rights to the character Pluto from our planet’s then marketing & merchandising manager, 2)(6(VVV, in 1931, for approximately ¤33 plutonian dollars. Here’s the interesting clause, though, the naming rights were granted in perpetuity as long as both parties remain part of the existing solar system. Based upon that wording, look for Universal Pluto Pictures to sue Disney in the near future.

  3. Speaking on behalf of the entire Pluto Post & Gazette staff, I’d like to express our appreciation for the comments, pro and con, from Earthlings (even the ones from the clearly misguided medical supply executive). We believe our departure from your solar system will change everyone’s life in countless, untold ways. What we hope won’t change, however, are the communications between our two worlds. So, keep ’em coming.
    Best wishes,

  4. “Believe it or not”?
    What’s that supposed to mean, Leo?
    I listen to NPR, too.
    I’m thinking of starting the “Reify Pluto Coalition.” Think it’ll be too esoteric?

  5. actually it did. as a result, we officially entered ch. 11 today. i am going to look into starting my own pr firm, and might even hire lunchy as my intern.

  6. Cut me some slack, I-man, I’m on vacation. Btw, has the loss of a planet cut into your med supplies forecast for ’07?

  7. On behalf of all Plutonians I thank the RepMan for his defense of this indigation inflicted by self-centered Earthlings. We Plutonians will not take this sitting down. (Mainly because we do not have chairs on Pluto, but that’s another story.) We have chosen to see the sunny side of this situation and are indeed looking forward to promoting ourselves as the center of our own universe. If you are ever in the neighborhood, please drop by.