We need a “jerk” hotline for all aspects of modern-day society

The Cincinnati Bengals football team has instituted a novel way for fans to shut down those boisterous, bellowing and boorish fellow fans who just go too far at the game.

Starting this season, fans will be able to dial (513) 381-JERK, and blow the whistle on anyone who’s fighting, making threats or is clearly drunk (the three are probably inseparable when one stops to think about it). Once the call has been initiated, stadium security guards will arrive on the scene, issue a warning and, in the more egregious cases, toss the offending fans out of the ballpark. How cool!

Having been subjected to many boorish fans at many games over the years, I applaud the Bengals’ new policy. In fact, I’d like to see it extended to all facets of our society. To wit:

1.) Those jerks on the trains who carry on extensive cell phone conversations at a decibel level higher than the average jet engine. No one cares about what these jerks did or didn’t do over the past weekend. So, let’s dial the Cincy jerk police and get these dopes booted at the next station stop.

2.) The TSA security assholes who abuse their positions of power by making you suffer as they rifle through obviously mundane personal items. I’d also add the immigration and passport control bureaucrats on this list. Cincy jerk police: bust these guys, ok?

3.) The cocktail party guest who never stops telling you about himself, his job, his family and his lifetime accomplishments. "Hello, Cincy jerk police? Do you guys handle parties in Lincroft, NJ? You do? Great. Have I got a jerk for you."

4.) The power-playing prospective client. We’ve all run into these jerks. These are the people who know they hold all the cards in terms of the client-agency relationship, and will take advantage of it. They make cell phone calls in the middle of new business pitches, disrupt the presentation by whispering or giggling amongst themselves, or fire off negative or irrelevant questions dripping with sarcasm just to cause embarrassment (I still remember a dotcom-era new business pitch in which a prospect asked me why Peppercom’s work culture was so bad that it made our people physically ill. This was asked in light of a former employee who, suffering from morning sickness, had been misquoted in an article as saying she threw-up every day before coming to her job at Peppercom). How I would have loved to have been able to dial the Cincy jerk police during that session.

If other examples warranting the jerk police come to mind, please share them.

I really like the concept of the Cincy jerk police and think we should have more resources like this to call upon. You could almost refer to them as the "image" police. If someone begins acting in a way that will detract from his or her image, or the image of the organization he or she represents then, in my opinion, we should have the option to start dialing.

Hat tip to Greg Schmalz for this idea.

2 thoughts on “We need a “jerk” hotline for all aspects of modern-day society

  1. Imagine they had the Jerk Police at a New York Jets game. I think half of the fans would be ejected.

  2. Can the jerk police please nab either the retail workers or better yet the people in charge of training them when you’re standing in front of them with a question but they feel compelled to answer the phone first? Can they also go after the check-out people who mercifully open cash registers when there are long lines but don’t ask for the next person in line, inevitably allowing the very last person in line to charge up front?
    And since the real police don’t seem interested, might the jerk police remove drivers from the road who feel compelled to drive in the fast lane while talking on the cell phone that’s plastered to their ear and that apparently removes any ability to use rear or sideview mirrors or stay within the lane? Thanks.