New York, December 8, 2008 — Deathknell Productions today announced the launch of a new cable channel , called The Doom Network (TDN). According to Peter Pessimist, president and CEO of Deathknell, TDN will "…go the final mile to give viewers what they really want: wall-to-wall, 24×7, doom-and-gloom."
Pessimist explained, "Look, the four major networks and our leading cable competitors have done an excellent job of inciting fear, anxiety and hopelessness. But, hey, those three words are ingrained in our corporate mission statement. In fact, our slogan really says it all: 'A world of hurt.'"
TDN will be staffed by top professionals from the past and present, all of whom share one common trait: they're synonymous with negative news.
"Jeff Skilling has agreed to be our on-air anchor and will provide live remotes from his prison cell," explained Pessimist. "He'll be joined by field correspondents ranging from Charles Manson and Dennis Kozlowski to the AIG event planners and Rick Waggoner of GM." Board members include Judas Iscariot, Pol Pot and the Anti-Christ.
Industry analysts are skeptical of the fledgling cable network's chances for success and question the wisdom of launching TDN in such uncertain times. Pessimist scoffed at such reports and exclaimed, "Are you kidding? For us, these are the good old days!"
The Doom Network will focus on death, destruction, personal bankruptcies, murder/suicides, morbid obesity, sudden infant death syndrome and terrorism. "We're also hoping to have some of the Somali pirates provide regular commentary,"
The Doom Network is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Deathknell Productions, a worldwide leader in sleazy financing, black market arms shipments and moral decay.