(Public Address Announcer): "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to opening day at Stimulus Package Field.
CitiGroup, as well as the New York Mets management and players, would like to thank you for helping to bail out the hapless, reckless corporation and make today's game possible.
We'd also like to thank you for paying the ticket price to enter the gates today. In doing so, you've actually bailed out Citigroup and the New York Mets management and players a second time. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts (and wallets).
We'd now like to direct your attention to the Ben Bernanke Bullpen area where a U.S. Marine Corps Band will shortly lead us in the singing of our National Anthem.
But first, these notes of special interest:
– Those of you seated in the Timothy Geithner luxury boxes will be able to follow today's stock market dips on your personalized Bloomberg terminals. Please note: Citigroup shares are off by 40 percent since the opening bell.
– Those of you seated in the Bernie Madoff loge reserved section must vacate your seats now. It turns out your tickets are worthless. We do apologize, but it's your own fault.
– Those of you seated in the Alan Greenspan grandstand will, unfortunately, not be able to see anything at all. Mr. Greenspan thought "sightless seats" were especially appropriate since he himself never saw the recession coming. We suggest tuning into the game on WFAN Radio to follow the play-by-play.
Now, please stand and place your hand over your hearts (assuming they're still beating). We also request that those of you who still have the money to own a hat, remove it now and join us in the singing of our National Anthem……."
"Oh say, can you see where's our economy's gone?……."