Just Like Two Peas in a Pod

What do Comcast and Crest Pro Health toothpaste have in common? They're both horrific consumer products.

Repman readers know of my recent travails with Comcast cable service. After having disrupted my premium cable service for a full week and bouncing us from one voice mailbox to another, a cool customer service rep named Frank finally intervened and promised the service would be restored. He also assured me my experience was a true anomaly. 

Well, guess what? Comcast pulled the plug again on Tuesday even though our account's paid in full. Voice mailbox hell is as unhelpful and aloof as ever. And Frank? Well, I shot him an e-mail only to receive an out-of-office response. Nice. 

Comcast deserves a special place in customer service hell (assuming one believes in such a place. If not, a never-ending ride on New Jersey Transit will suffice).

Keep your eyes on Crest Pro Health toothpaste, though. It's a strong, up-and-coming competitor to Comcast. ProhealthPasteLo

Have you tried this stuff? It leaks. Everywhere. The crap oozes out of the tube and spreads across the sink like the blob in the classic Steve McQueen Sci-fi. It not only pools up like a gooey peat bog, but Crest Pro Health also proves amazingly difficult to clear away (In fact, each time the muck oozes out, I feel like a member of the Exxon Valdez clean-up crew). Who devised this stuff? More importantly, who was responsible for the market research?

Did no one speak up? I can imagine the focus group……

Crest market researcher: "So, how does everyone feel about the new toothpaste?"

Focus group participant: "Very tasty. And my teeth seem whiter than ever. There is that problem with the aquamarine goo that oozes out on my sink. It's impossible to clean up."

Crest market researcher: "'Excellent. Would you recommend it to others?"

Focus group participant: "It's tasty, but I spend more time mopping up the mess on the sink than I do brushing my teeth."

Crest market researcher: "Excellent. So, you're suggesting that Crest Pro Health also provides an upper body workout?"

Focus group participant: "Well, my forearms are sore and I'm angry with the mess it causes."

Crest market researcher: "Thanks so much. This is great feedback and may suggest some smart marketing partnerships for the brand with fitness clubs and anger management specialists."

Now that I think about it, maybe I'll use Crest Pro Health to terrorize Comcast into taking some positive action. I could sneak into their local offices and leave behind packages of the nasty, gooey toothpaste along with a note: "Enjoy cleaning up your sinks. You'll keep finding this horrific substance in your restrooms until and unless my premium cable service is restored. Signed, A repelled and rebellious Repman."

9 thoughts on “Just Like Two Peas in a Pod

  1. Glad to hear about the side effects, Steve. Question: based upon comments like yours, we obviously aren’t alone in our angst. Why hasn’t Crest Pro Health done something about it? Is purposely pissing off their customers a new strategy?

  2. Crest Pro Health is horribly messy. On the up side my sink has never been more clean or shinny, washing that stuff off the fixtures also leaves everything nice and minty fresh.

  3. Now I know why the folks working for our cleaning service are so fit. Cleaning Crest toothpaste residue in house after house must be quite the workout!

  4. Steve, you hit a nerve. I have tried everything to stop Crest toothpaste from establishing a permanent residence on my sink. I’ve propped the tube upright in a cup, secluded it to a plastic plate and even placed it in a Ziploc bag. Yet, the bugger continues to pollute my otherwise spotless bathroom.
    I don’t mind the increasingly apparent muscle definition in my arms, but I think you’re on to something, Steve. I suggest we provide Comcast with Crest toothbrushes to scrub off the goo!

  5. I’m laughing my ass off, Steve. This is a great post, and even better because we’ve all been there, and can completely relate! The stand-up comedy serves you well, too, for helping poke fun at these things in a very Jon Stewart-ian way.

  6. Couldn’t agree more on Comcast, they are truly a horrific company. If you do decide to cancel your account, make sure that you call them between 9 and 7. You can only upgrade your service 24 hours a day, not cancel it, because you need to speak with the retention department (the good salespeople) to do so. These are also the people to speak with if you want to negotiate your rate, the normal salespeople will throw you around in circles. On Crest, I had a similar experience with the new whitening strips which are marketed as more convenient than the leading strips. It was about as pleasurable as having an airbag blow up in my face.