Co-written by Steve Cody and Michael Dresner
Executives for the warring animal cable networks, Dog Channel and Cat TV, announced today they would lower the amount of venom in their attacks on one another.
The announcement comes in the wake of a similar truce called by the humans who run Fox and MSNBC, respectively.
The animal networks have been engaged in a nasty cat-and-mouse game of late over the nationality of Bo, the first dog.
Dog Channel commentators have repeatedly stressed that Bo was born and raised in Hawaii. Cat TV, particularly its pit bull-like, on-air personality, Bill O'Feline, have suggested otherwise. 'Bo comes from a long line of Afghan wolfhounds with direct Al Qaeda connections,' said O'Feline.
Fed up with the invective, advertisers ranging from PetCo to Purina have threated to yank their advertising from both networks. 'Either they put a muzzle on it, or we'll take our money elsewhere,' warned Lawrence O. Leash, CMO of Purina's spot buying service.
The Dog Channel pounced first by offering an obviously-chewed olive branch. 'Dogs have always been the warmer and more compassionate breed, so we're willing to move on and let bygones be bygones,' said W. Herbert Hound, president of the Dog Channel. 'Bo's a true blue American, just like all canines.'
Hound said he'd sniffed the hindquarters of The Dog Channel's lead personality, Keith Doberman, and that the two were 'in-step' on the decision. Hound added that he and Doberman were 'being taken on a walk' but would be available for further comment later in the day. Prior to their walk, however, Doberman barked emphatically on the issue. “The country would never have done this to Socks,” he said.
Speaking on behalf of Cat TV, CEO Marybeth Furball-Meow, arched her back and hissed: 'We stand by our original statements. Bo's ancestry resembles a dog's breakfast. Should our nation of pets be lead by a foreign-born canine? We think not. And, we're tired of the harassment from an obviously slower, less intelligent breed. We'll continue to go our own way, and provide 'the truth' to the feline community in particular, and animals in general. By the way, it's time The Dog Channel put a leash on Doberman.' Ms. Furball Meow – who counts Jayson Blair and Stephen Glass among her journalist mentors – is currently on assignment in the beltway, verifying shocking reports that Bo is leveraging federal funds (“Your tax dollars at work, my American friends,” she said) to rally a global corporate Keiretsu in re-launching the famous (and tasty) brand, Cycle One.
The two networks have been fighting like, well cats and dogs, since the First Dog initiated legislation calling for universal pet health care. Cat TV's O'Feline has repeatedly said Bo's plan is a first step towards a Socialistic state in which the government will decide how much kitty litter each cat will be allotted. Bo, and his Dog Channel supporters, believe universal pet care is critically important, especially for the nation's poorer dogs. Though Bo could not be reached for comment, his colleagues – reporting on condition of anonymity – said the Obama’s dog is dumbfounded by O’Feline’s conclusions. “O’Feline is blowing the legislation way out of proportion, and turning an otherwise normal day in congress into a national, press-making issue,” the source said. “Bo, for one, wishes we could all just settle this over a beer.”
In an unrelated programming note, The Dog Channel announced Mr. Doberman will be hosting a two-part special beginning tonight entitled, 'Being a dog in America.'