I would have guessed cops and construction workers

PR trades are really milking the recent Dunkin’ Donuts/CareerBuilder study showing that public relations is the second-most caffeinated profession. Personally, I think it’s a big yawn. Or, a no duh if you prefer.

CaffeinescreamerCoffee is to public relations as crystal meth is to trailer parks; or heroin to rock and roll. We  attention deficit disorder PR types need our two to three cups a day as much as we need oxygen. In fact, I think the average PR type would abandon oxygen before giving up her daily Joe.

What surprises me most about the list aren’t the occupations that made it but, rather, those that didn’t.

I’d have guessed cops or construction workers drank the most cups of coffee. You cannot pass a Dunkin’ Donuts shop anywhere in this great country of ours without seeing four or five squad cars parked outside. I actually think Dunkin’ Donuts should consider re-branding itself as ‘America’s police headquarters’. The same goes for construction workers. Think about it. No matter where you see construction workers, they’re always on a break and sucking down a cup of coffee. Those guys don’t need stimulus money. They get all the stimulants they need from coffee.

I’d also like to see a few different individuals and professions make next year’s list. These are people who really need to step on the gas and get things done (and, man, can coffee ever make you go. Literally). So, here goes:
1.)    President Obama (maybe he needs that one extra cup each day to finally make a decision).
2.)    Congress (I’m not sure if stimulants or depressants would work best with these misfits, but they need something to break the deadlock and get along).
3.)    New Jersey Transit engineers and conductors. To paraphrase a famous Lincoln quote about General George McClellan, ‘They have a terminal case of the slows.’
4.)    Corporate boards of directors. How can they repeatedly make such egregious hiring mistakes as Yahoo’s did with Carol Bartz? Directors need to drink more coffee before each and every CEO search.
5.)    James Spaeder, who has replaced Steve Carrell as the new boss in NBC’s ‘The Office’. His total lack of energy is putting the final nail in an already dying franchise.

I’d have added prominent Tea Party politicians to my wish list, but fueling ignorance is probably not a wise thing to do.

Who would you put on the list?

And, what about you PR types? Are you cool with being outed as caffeine addicts? If so, should one of us pitch A&E’s ‘Intervention’ and suggest they feature a 30 cups of coffee a day account executive who’s ruined every personal relationship because she can’t stay focused for more than a nanosecond? I can envision the lead interventionist Jeff VanVonderen’s empathetic expression as a jittery, head-jerking, Joe-addled publicist is brought into the agency’s conference room: "Hi Heather. I’m Jeff. Take a seat between your supervisor and the intern who reports to you. We want you to know there are a whole lot of people here who love working with you. But, they’re not going to support your 30 cups of coffee a day addiction anymore. So, let’s start with Jason. He’s written a note he’d like to read to you."

And a tip of Repman's cup to Greg Schmalz for suggesting this post.

One thought on “I would have guessed cops and construction workers

  1. I was up to 4 cups a day in my last agency incarnation. Glad to be back to one.
    Growing up in my hometown of Oceanside, Long Island, the Nassau County Police’s 4th precinct outpost (a hut, really) was located two blocks from the donut shop. You were more likely to find the cruisers there than anywhere else. It became an embarrassing joke around the time the first “Police Squad: The Naked Gun” movie came out:

    After that, the commander started mandatory weigh-ins and fines for officers who were caught repeatedly donuting instead of patrolling.