According to a newly-released study from the University of Bristol, lovable Looney Tunes character Bugs Bunny should be added to the pantheon of history's most notorious serial killers . Yes, Virginia, Bugs is the Ted Bundy of Cartoonland.
How can this be possible? Well, British researchers say that, influenced by Bugs and his signature carrot, rabbit owners have been unwittingly feeding their pet bunnies the worst possible food item. Carrots, say researchers, do serious harm to little bunny bodies. (I'm tearing up at the mere thought).
British rabbits suffer tooth decay as a direct result of ingesting too many carrots (what is it with the Brits and teeth?). Carrots also wreak havoc on a bunny's digestive system and end up creating an empire's worth of malnourished, dangerously ill rabbits.
In response, a British animal health organization is launching a consumer education campaign, entitled, 'Hay fever'. As it turns out, hay isn't just for horses; it's the ideal staple for rabbits as well.
I'm not a big fan of rabbits since, along with gophers and deer, they positively drive former Congresssdog Mick Cody to distraction. But, I also hate to see any animal suffer. So, I think bunny lovers everywhere should exert pressure on Warner Brothers, the owner of Looney Tunes, to launch a similar awareness campaign here in the States. If nothing else, it would give a whole new meaning to grass roots.
I'd go for the jugular (or, the rabbit's foot, if you prefer) and mimic the brutally harsh ads being aired by the anti-tobacco lobby. I'd entitle the program: 'What's up, doc? Rabbit mortality, that's what's up!'
And, I'd enlist Looney Tunes-type illustrators to depict a new, somber and sober Bugs Bunny in the following ways:
– A completely toothless Bugs leaning against a tree. Caption: 'Don't let carrots do to your rabbit's teeth what they've done to mine. Now, where's that bottle of Ensure?'
– Bugs with a colostomy bag attached to his side. Caption: 'Carrots ruined my digestive tract. Now I not only can't outrun Elmer Fudd. I have to wear this damn bag for the rest of my days. And, the damn forest creatures are calling me Bags Bunny.'
– A tombstone reading: 'Bugs Bunny: Wascally Wabbit. Beloved bunny, buddy and unwitting murderer of millions of his br’er rabbits. R.I.P.'
Warner Brothers owes American pet owners an apology. And, they need to step up to the plate (or down the rabbit hole) and out Bugs Bunny for what he was: The Cartoon Network's answer to Showtime's Dexter.