Do you remember the Ty-D-Bowl man? I'm sure he's been in retirement for some time now, but, when he was active as an advertising pitchman, the miniaturized Tidy Bowl man actually sailed around inside some unsuspecting housewife's toilet bowl and cleaned it up. He'd always end up catching the woman's attention just before she pulled the handle (which would have ended the pitchman's career in a most unpleasant way).
Well, the Ty-D-Bowl man now has company, and lot's of it! Two enterprising brothers have created the Star Toilet Paper Company and are making toilet paper with advertising. Their motto: 'Don't rush. Look before you flush.'
This is simultaneously funny and sad. It's funny for the obvious reasons. It's sad because advertising is now in danger of blocking out the sun's rays. It's everywhere! Sports stadiums are littered with it. Airports, which are a dismal experience to begin with, are further weighed down by millions of ads and banners that become more annoying with each passing minute of each new delay.
And, now advertising is even invading one of the last vestiges of man's privacy. Literally.
On a more positive note, I could see engineering a consumer survey that would ask which politicians or brands MOST deserve to be on a roll of toilet paper. I'll bet Joe Biden and Mitt Romney would give Ronald McDonald and Comcast a run for their money.
And, thinking ahead, the Star Toilet Paper Company could start producing all sorts of themed toilet paper lines. How about:
– Greatest baseball players of the 20th century for sports bars? (“Hey, Ed, I've got Honus Wagner on my roll!”)
– Greatest artists and musicians in history (The Mozart Collection, if you will). They'd be ideal in the stalls at, say, Carnegie Hall or the Met (and would certainly give a whole new meaning to, say, a Beethoven movement in G).
– Despots of the ages (toilet paper featuring every conqueror from Alexander the Great and Napoleon to Hitler and Pol Pot). “They wiped out millions. Now it's your turn to get even!”
And, why not Star Trek-themed toilet paper for the U.S. Space Station? Sadly, the potential is limitless. Or, should I say bottomless?
I've always despised advertising's intrusiveness. And, I revel in my ability to fast forward through mind-numbing commercials littering my favorite TV shows. But, like death and taxes, advertising eventually catches up with you and ruins your day, your week, your month and even your year.
Now, thanks to Star Toilet Paper, I won't even be able to enjoy the privacy of a bathroom stall without seeing the Nike Swoosh, Ronald's smile or a pitch from the local Freehold Nissan dealer. It's enough to cause nausea, vomiting and diarrhea (would the latter be the chicken or the egg in this particular case?).
And a tip o' RepMan's cap to Peppercommer Ann Barlow for this suggestion.