Did you know there's a mini theme park in the bowels of the New Jersey Meadowlands that bills itself as Jurassic Jersey? I always thought Snooki was the Garden State's resident velociraptor but, apparently I'm wrong.
Field Station: Dinosaurs features “…31 life-sized, animatronic dinosaurs including the 90-foot-long Argentinosaurus, the largest animatronic dinosaur ever made.”
New Jersey needs a dino theme park like it needs another case of racketeering.
And, how about the poor beasts? They're now shoulder-to-shoulder (and sharing the 'hood) with:
– Toxic waste dumps
– The bones of countless Mob victims
– Oil refineries spewing their special mix of hellish gases skyward
– Jimmy Hoffa
The dinos are also being bombarded by:
– The deafening sounds of jets taking off and landing from Newark Liberty International Airport (a unique hell unto itself)
– The sight of millions upon millions of Jersey Turnpike drivers cutting one another off and shouting X-rated epithets at one another.
Worst of all, the 31 dinos are only a short, 10-minute stroll from New Jersey Transit's Frank R. Lautenberg Rail Station at Secaucus Junction (and, what I wouldn't give to see a T-Rex stomping all over Secaucus Junction. Talk about poetic justice).
This is a simultaneous case of dinosaur and Garden State abuse.
Have we no shame?
If the dinosaurs could roar for themselves, they'd say, “Fuggedaboutit!”
Since they can't, I'm starting a 'Save the Jersey Dinos' relief fund. Our goal is simple: raise enough money to blow up Field Station: Dinosaurs or relocate it to Florida or Long Island (they're one and the same anyway).
My next step is to enlist a John Travolta, Bruce Willis or some other famous Jersey native to embrace the cause.
But, you can do your bit as well. If you care about the image of dinosaurs, New Jersey or Jimmy Hoffa, send your check or money order to:
'Yo, you got a problem with saving dinosaurs, or what?'
c/o The second Hess Oil refinery on the left Exit 15E New Jersey Turnpike East Orange, NJ 07857