Die, Twinkies! Die!

Twinkie-funeral-pall-bearers"I'm Steve, and I'm a recovering DevilDogAholic." (Note: recovering DevilDogAholics in the audience should respond by shouting, "Hi Steve!").

I was thrilled to see that, because of union demands for more money, Hostess was being forced to retire Twinkies, along with some of its other, heart-clogging, fatty and processed foods. But, at the preliminary bankruptcy proceedings yesterday, the judge suggested the union figure out a way to save the heart attack catalyst! Holy congestive heart failure!

McDonald's should hire this judge as a stand-in for Ronald when the latter takes ill.

I grew up positively addicted to Drake's Devil Dogs. And, my mom was what Jeff VanVonderin of A&E's Intervention would call an enabler. She made sure that, whenever I visited home, there were two full boxes of those synthetic, sugar-laden, cream filled, mini-cakes awaiting me. And, believe it or not, I routinely polished off those two boxes in a single weekend.

And, then, at age 27, I developed a case of mononucleosis. My attending doctor pointed out my horrific diet as the chief culprit. He said I was stuffing my body full of soda, burgers, fries and, yes, Devil Dogs. At the same time, I was an exercise nut so, I was completely ruining my immune system by pushing it to the max with long-distance treks without replenishing the spent calories with smart and nutritious food. And, so I went cold turkey.

I began attending weekly DevilDogAholic meetings, and pursued a 12-step process intended to keep me away from those heinous Drake's Cakes.

Now, decades later, I pick up a newspaper and see a judge and a purveyor conspiring to keep one of the least healthy foods ever invented alive. And, I say, NO! Stop the union deal! Let the Hostess Twinkie die!

I'm not a numbers cruncher, but I guarantee you'll see a slight, but very real, decrease in obesity, diabetes, stroke and heart attacks if that little yellow cake is banished forever.

I'm Steve, and I'm a recovering DevilDogAholic (Please shout, "Hi Steve!"), and I say, "Die, Twinkies. Die!"

5 thoughts on “Die, Twinkies! Die!

  1. Add Ring Dings to the list of artery-clogging “foods.” I cannot believe the “foodstuff” we ingested as kids.
    Twinkies, Devil Dogs, Yodels, Funny Bones, etc. — none of these things are real food. They are synthetically created concoctions dressed up in pretty colors to resemble dessert.
    I believe when left out in the cold, they will not even disintegrate. Imagine what they are doing to our bodies.

  2. So true. That said, McDonald’s and its brethren still sell some mighty unhealthy food items. They might not have a half-life of 150 years a la Devil Dogs, but they’ll clog the arteries just as effectively.

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