Die, Twinkies! Die!

Twinkie-funeral-pall-bearers"I'm Steve, and I'm a recovering DevilDogAholic." (Note: recovering DevilDogAholics in the audience should respond by shouting, "Hi Steve!").

I was thrilled to see that, because of union demands for more money, Hostess was being forced to retire Twinkies, along with some of its other, heart-clogging, fatty and processed foods. But, at the preliminary bankruptcy proceedings yesterday, the judge suggested the union figure out a way to save the heart attack catalyst! Holy congestive heart failure!

McDonald's should hire this judge as a stand-in for Ronald when the latter takes ill.

I grew up positively addicted to Drake's Devil Dogs. And, my mom was what Jeff VanVonderin of A&E's Intervention would call an enabler. She made sure that, whenever I visited home, there were two full boxes of those synthetic, sugar-laden, cream filled, mini-cakes awaiting me. And, believe it or not, I routinely polished off those two boxes in a single weekend.

And, then, at age 27, I developed a case of mononucleosis. My attending doctor pointed out my horrific diet as the chief culprit. He said I was stuffing my body full of soda, burgers, fries and, yes, Devil Dogs. At the same time, I was an exercise nut so, I was completely ruining my immune system by pushing it to the max with long-distance treks without replenishing the spent calories with smart and nutritious food. And, so I went cold turkey.

I began attending weekly DevilDogAholic meetings, and pursued a 12-step process intended to keep me away from those heinous Drake's Cakes.

Now, decades later, I pick up a newspaper and see a judge and a purveyor conspiring to keep one of the least healthy foods ever invented alive. And, I say, NO! Stop the union deal! Let the Hostess Twinkie die!

I'm not a numbers cruncher, but I guarantee you'll see a slight, but very real, decrease in obesity, diabetes, stroke and heart attacks if that little yellow cake is banished forever.

I'm Steve, and I'm a recovering DevilDogAholic (Please shout, "Hi Steve!"), and I say, "Die, Twinkies. Die!"

5 thoughts on “Die, Twinkies! Die!

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  2. So true. That said, McDonald’s and its brethren still sell some mighty unhealthy food items. They might not have a half-life of 150 years a la Devil Dogs, but they’ll clog the arteries just as effectively.

  3. Add Ring Dings to the list of artery-clogging “foods.” I cannot believe the “foodstuff” we ingested as kids.
    Twinkies, Devil Dogs, Yodels, Funny Bones, etc. — none of these things are real food. They are synthetically created concoctions dressed up in pretty colors to resemble dessert.
    I believe when left out in the cold, they will not even disintegrate. Imagine what they are doing to our bodies.