The Civil War 2.0

Texas-secessionYou have to tip your stove pipe hat to Steven Spielberg for the superb timing of his new epic, 'Lincoln'.  Not only is the film debuting in the aftermath of one of the most divisive elections in recent history, but it's breaking in the midst of what appears to be Civil War 2.0.

As The Huffington Post reported on November 13th, no fewer than 31 states have filed petitions to secede from the Union. Shades of April, 1861!

This neo and nascent Confederacy represents the block that delivered so many votes to the Romney/Ryan ticket. Their desire to leave the Union can be best summed up by someone named Mitch H. of Arlington, Texas. His petition, filed on a White House website, has already generated more than 83,000 signatures. (That's roughly the number of Rebel soldiers Robert E. Lee led into the Battle of Gettysburg, BTW).

Mitch's complaints contain the usual litany of Obama administration's domestic and foreign policy failures. What makes the petition interesting, though, is Mitch's belief that Texas could easily become an independent nation (since it has “the world's 15th largest economy and a balanced budget”). That may have worked well in 1836, but I'm not sure well it would play in 2012.

And, could you imagine if the 30 other states decide to secede as well? The implications are staggering to contemplate:

– How could the Super Bowl be played if the AFC's best team, The Houston Texans, now represents a foreign country?
– How would parents of small children suffer and sweat their way through DisneyWorld if they also have to endure the indignities of passport control at the Orlando Airport? Those lines would make the ones at Space Mountain pale in comparison.
– And, would the new Confederacy follow its predecessor and print its own currency? My guess it it'll be worth less than my PartnerShipCentral dotcom stock options (or original Confederate dollars, if you prefer).

The Secessionist movement needs a firebrand to galvanize the renegade states and organize a fighting force (assuming Obama would follow Lincoln's lead and invade the South in hopes on preserving the Union). They're in desperate need of a latter-day John C. Calhoun, Jefferson Davis or Stonewall Jackson.

Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann might be potential candidates, but I can't see either leading troops into battle. And, I doubt the massive Karl Rove or Rush Limbaugh could even mount a stallion to lead the Third Battle of Manassas. And, as for Chris Christie, well, that would be pure animal abuse.

And, speaking of the New Jersey governor, I see that my home state is among the 31 renegades. That puts me in the same position as Lee. Do I stay loyal to my home state or the Union? In my case, I know too many guys named Tommy Two-Tongues and Paulie the Pooch who, if I do stay loyal to the U.S., will make sure I'm swimming with the fishes sometime soon.

What about you? Where do your sympathies lie?

I'd continue, but I just read a breaking news item saying that Tea Party troops have set up cannon in Charleston Harbor and are threatening to bombard Fort Sumter. I need to make sure my musket and saber are battle-ready.

And tip of the hat to College of Charleston student extraordinare Chris Piedmont for suggesting this post.

12 thoughts on “The Civil War 2.0

  1. You’re 100 percent correct, Matt (which means the biggest takers will be the biggest losers if they actually seceded from the Union). There’s dumb and dumber, and then there are the disenchanted folks in those states.

  2. “We take out more money from the Federal government than we put in, so we want to secede,” said voters from states with the lowest education levels!

  3. Oh, the irony! Each and every one of the ten “Tax Dependent States” that consume the most in government services relative to the taxes they pay has filed a petition for secession.

  4. Agreed. Interesting that Texas has assumed the leadership mantle from the Palmetto State in this particular secession effort, Chris. You South Carolinians need to raise your game.

  5. Thanks Laura. I think it’s safe to assume these petitioners are also the ones who are purposely flying their American flags upside down outside their homes. I’d rather see them go with the Stars and Bars of the Old Confederacy than trash our flag in that manner.

  6. I kid you not, there are acquaintances of mine on Facebook and Twitter who are signing these petitions simply because South Carolina has a reputation to uphold as the first to secede. The kicker, the petition from Texas now has enough signatures to pass the White House’s own threshold for a response. I’d love to be a fly on the wall with President Obama and his press team as they draft a statement on this one.

  7. If Jersey secedes, Peppercomm would lose the Montclair Mafia and, with it, 50 percent of our new business leads. Ponder that one for awhile, Dandy.

  8. Fine. Jersey can go, too. And why not let them pair up with Puerto Rico who certainly reaps benefits from US already… oh! And South Carolina! And Kansas! New South Rico-as. I like it.

  9. I hear you, Dandy. But, if all 31 states were to secede, you’d also need a passport to go through the Lincoln and Holland Tunnels (and GWB) to get to Jersey. Since New Yorkers already hate going to The Garden State, imagine what a passport checkpoint would do to travel and tourism. Fuggedaboubit.

  10. What a bunch of whiners. We didn’t get our way, so we’re going to run away from home. Buh-bye. And while Texas brags that they have a balanced budget, do they think we are MORONS who don’t know they get Federal funds. Need a passport to get into Texas? Wouldn’t bother me a lick as I don’t care if I ever go there again.

  11. Great post, Steve. Luckily it’s not as easy as just signing a petition to be able to secede.
    I’d also be curious to see how often this happens after an election. I think in the digital age, we’ve enabled (for lack of an even better word) “idiots” to spread their ideas even faster, but I can’t help but think that before this election people were running around with petitions to get out of the union, it just wasn’t as widely known.
    It’s always disappointing when your candidate doesn’t win, but if you’re not happy, that’s the beauty of our government. Get more involved, start calling your congressmen about legislation, but please, petition people, stop making America look dumb.