ATTEN-GUT!

619200820544PM_amnnnerican_fat_soldierI can see it now: a typically sadistic, rail thin master sergeant is jogging alongside his platoon of weight-challenged recruits, and leading them in their ritual chant…

Sergeant: "Who is obese?"
Grunts: "We are obese!"
Sergeant: "Who eats too much?"
Grunts: "We eat too much!"
Sergeant: "Who's gonna lose their job?"
Grunts: "We're gonna lose our jobs!"
Sergeant: "Sound off!"
Grunts: "Obese!"
Sergeant: "Sound off!"
Grunts: "Eat too much!"
Sergeant: "Sound off!"
Grunts: "Lose our jobs!"
Sergeant: "Sound off!"
Grunts: "Obese. Eat too much. Lose our Jobs. One. Two. Three. Four. One two. Three four!"

Why the Full Metal Jacket riff by Repman? Because Virginia, our Army's getting fat and lazy.

Between 1998 and 2010, the number of active-duty military personnel deemed overweight or obese TRIPLED, according to the Armed Forces Health Surveillance Center. And, the Army's laser-focused on firing the fatties ASAP.

Now, it's one thing to be pushed into the aisle of a commercial jet liner by the 600-lb, Big Mac-chomping, unwashed behemoth in the middle seat. It's quite another to realize that our nation's security is in the catcher's mitt-sized hands of morbidly obese troops. That's what I call an image and reputation crisis second to none.

Al Qaeda, Hezbollah and the other terror cells can now kick back and catch-up on Homeland episodes after reading these facts. They no longer have to break our will with attacks on civilian populations; they just have to wait (weight?) until our troops contract the obesity-related diseases that plague Joe Six Pack in Milwaukee. At this rate, our army will be entirely walker and wheelchair-restricted within 25 years.

It's sad to think the bad guys might win because McDonald's, Burger King, Coke and all the other artery-clogging, gut-widening food purveyors have won over our hearts, minds and stomachs. If I were director of the FBI, I'd put a new terrorist at the top of our most wanted list: Ronald McDonald. And, I wouldn't want him dead or alive. I want that clown gone.

ATTEN-GUT!

And a tip o' Rep's field cap to Greg Schmalz for suggesting this post.

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