In the aftermath of three successive shooting of owners by their pet dogs, former U.S. Congressdog Mick Cody is barking long and loud for immediate, far stricter background checks on his breed.
The shootings, many of which occurred in Florida, involved the use of such hand guns as 9-millimeter Glocks as well as shotguns and hunting rifles. In each instance, the accident was triggered by a pooch pawing at the weapon which, in turn, fired and nailed a master's unsuspecting arm, leg or butt.
“I don't expect gun-happy humans to change their foolish laws,” snapped Cody, nervously pawing a few, spent shell casings at a hastily-arranged press conference held in his family room. “But, I do expect better judgment from my species.”
Cody suggested that Bideawee, the ASPCA and other leading canine trade groups band together in what the outspoken ex-politician called “one, large pack” and lobby Congress now, before it's too late.
“I don't want to wait until a rogue, AK-47 wielding Rottweiler trots into a dog park and proceeds to unload an entire magazine into members of both species. Dogs don't need a Sandy Hook in order to make some obvious changes,” he snarled, after downing yet another Beggin' Strip.
Cody suggested dogs undergo background checks at the same time they receive their first rabies shots as puppies. “We have to start the education process at a very young age,” he noted.
The pugnacious pit bull believes that, while hunters, Second Amendment activists and the oh-so-powerful NRA will prevent any significant change in homo sapien gun laws, the current Congress WILL agree to sweeping changes for his species.
“Look, I don't care if you're to the far right of Rush Limbaugh, no human wants to be caught in a shooting spree caused by a deranged Dalmatian!” chuckled Cody, grinning at his own words.
The controversial canine noted that dogs don't need guns. “Aside from a few French Poodles I once met in Manhattan, every dog I've sniffed can use their teeth and claws to ward off danger. We don't need semi-automatic weapons. Semi-automatic dispensing bags of Beggin' Strips, yes. M-16's no,” he concluded.
Repman readers will recall that Mick Cody first rose to prominence in the aftermath of the Michael Vick/pit bull hoopla. Riding a fast-rising tide of popularity, Cody ran for Congress, becoming the first canine to actually win a seat. Things quickly went South, though, when he was caught sexting topless photographs of himself to a feline campaign worker (an incident he continues to insist was little more than entrapment).
Cody concluded his announcement by lifting a hind leg on an A.P. reporter and stating that 435 other members of Congress can expect the same treatment if stricter gun controls for canines aren't enacted soon. “I'm literally full of piss and vinegar,” he snarled. “It's up to Boehner, Pelosi and their ilk to decide if they want their $1,500 Armani suits ruined in the exact same way.”
And, a long howl to Greg Schmalz for suggesting this topic.