Oreo Cookies were my gateway drug

oreosmontanaA Connecticut College study released today reports that Oreo cookies are as addictive as cocaine.

I can relate. Oreo Cookies were my gateway drug to a childhood and early adult life that was positively filled with preservatives, sugar and other artery-clogging goo.

I’d guess my Oreo addiction began when my mom dished them out at our weekly Cub Scout gatherings (Pack Two. Den Two. Ridgefield Park, N.J. division of the Cubbies, thank you very much).

I soon craved Oreos, and followed every lunch and dinner with a heaping, helping of the bad, black, cream-filled wonders.

But, sure as rain, Oreos weren’t enough to sate my sugar needs. Like some desperate heroin addict, I craved more. And, at about the same time Sally Ann Pappan introduced me to the wonders of French kissing (Sally: please re-connect), a friend turned me on to Devil Dogs.

Talk about love at first bite! Devil Dogs were my crystal meth. I’d literally inhale two boxes in the course of an average weekend. I was hooked to the point where I began mainlining the brown beauties.

It wasn’t until I met the health-conscious Angela Phillips (the first of my seven, consecutive fitness-conscious wives, BTW), that I was reborn. Ms. Phillips awakened me to the reality that Devil Dogs were the Anti-Christ of healthy living. It was Angie who also served as my first sponsor, and introduced me to Devil Dogs Anonymous (DDA).

I’m pleased to announce that I’ve been sugar sober for 32 years, three months, 14 days and 24 seconds.

But, my struggle to resist DD’s and their evil gateway cousin, Oreo, remains a day-to-day journey. I attend regular DDA meetings at St. Drake’s Sugar-Free Church in Chelsea. I also speak often to my current sponsor, Eli Manning (Note: Some reporters blame his horrific season to the lack of a daily Devil Dogs sugar rush).

So, who wins when Oreo loses? Ronald McDonald, of course.

In fact, I’ll bet the fine, fattening folks at Mickey D’s Oakbrook, Illinois, headquarters are adding an extra slice of celebratory cheese to their morning Egg McMuffins. Party hard, guys. Enjoy the moment. And, ask not for whom the addiction bell tolls, it tolls for thee.

It’s just a matter of time before some researcher reports a Double Mac is more addictive than heroin. If that happens, McDonald’s should embrace it. All they’d need to do is dump Ronald for a new mascot. How does Harry the Horse strike you?

15 thoughts on “Oreo Cookies were my gateway drug

  1. Devil Dogs, Ring Dings, Yodels, Funny Bones, Twinkies…you name it, I was addicted to it as a kid. Hostess was the name of my dealer. Thank God I got help and am clean today. Oreos? Bleh.

  2. Good grief! Frozen Devil Dogs sound positively Satanic. They’d probably also make for great weapons. Btw, Greg, you should stop enabling her. A real friend would recommend she attend a local DD Anonymous meeting.

  3. I have a long-time friend who worked at Subaru in Cherry Hill, New Jersey and used to get her fill of Devil Dogs. Now she’s in Reno, Nevada and can’t get her hands on them. Occasionally, I will send her a “care package” of Devil Dogs and she puts them in the freezer until the urge manifests itself.

  4. Now I just want to go eat candy buttons (and the paper that never comes off the back of them) and those Little Debbie pre-packaged brownies with the rainbow sprinkles on top that challenge every weight/volume theory (they’re alarmingly heavy).

  5. I’ve been too busy going off the wagon with a box of devil dogs to check the Oreo Tweets (if any). Good point re: cream-filled centers, ND.

  6. I wonder how the social media geniuses behind Oreo will respond. I think the most interesting part of that study was that the mice ate the cream first just like most people.

  7. With McDonald’s it would be some creature covered in pink slime. As indicated before, Butterscotch Krimpets for me and today when I am not following the Angela Cody motto (well the healthy one anyway) of none of that processed crap, I do indulge in the occasional cheez-it (well box most likely).