A Connecticut College study released today reports that Oreo cookies are as addictive as cocaine.
I can relate. Oreo Cookies were my gateway drug to a childhood and early adult life that was positively filled with preservatives, sugar and other artery-clogging goo.
I’d guess my Oreo addiction began when my mom dished them out at our weekly Cub Scout gatherings (Pack Two. Den Two. Ridgefield Park, N.J. division of the Cubbies, thank you very much).
I soon craved Oreos, and followed every lunch and dinner with a heaping, helping of the bad, black, cream-filled wonders.
But, sure as rain, Oreos weren’t enough to sate my sugar needs. Like some desperate heroin addict, I craved more. And, at about the same time Sally Ann Pappan introduced me to the wonders of French kissing (Sally: please re-connect), a friend turned me on to Devil Dogs.
Talk about love at first bite! Devil Dogs were my crystal meth. I’d literally inhale two boxes in the course of an average weekend. I was hooked to the point where I began mainlining the brown beauties.
It wasn’t until I met the health-conscious Angela Phillips (the first of my seven, consecutive fitness-conscious wives, BTW), that I was reborn. Ms. Phillips awakened me to the reality that Devil Dogs were the Anti-Christ of healthy living. It was Angie who also served as my first sponsor, and introduced me to Devil Dogs Anonymous (DDA).
I’m pleased to announce that I’ve been sugar sober for 32 years, three months, 14 days and 24 seconds.
But, my struggle to resist DD’s and their evil gateway cousin, Oreo, remains a day-to-day journey. I attend regular DDA meetings at St. Drake’s Sugar-Free Church in Chelsea. I also speak often to my current sponsor, Eli Manning (Note: Some reporters blame his horrific season to the lack of a daily Devil Dogs sugar rush).
So, who wins when Oreo loses? Ronald McDonald, of course.
In fact, I’ll bet the fine, fattening folks at Mickey D’s Oakbrook, Illinois, headquarters are adding an extra slice of celebratory cheese to their morning Egg McMuffins. Party hard, guys. Enjoy the moment. And, ask not for whom the addiction bell tolls, it tolls for thee.
It’s just a matter of time before some researcher reports a Double Mac is more addictive than heroin. If that happens, McDonald’s should embrace it. All they’d need to do is dump Ronald for a new mascot. How does Harry the Horse strike you?