What if Santa’s database were hacked

In the spirit of the season (and a sad reflection of the times), I’ve allowed myself to briefly escape to an alternate universe and imagine the ultimate Christmas crisis.

What if Santa’s database were hacked?

Let’s assume I’m the hacker and, thanks to a huge assist from a freelance elf named Yuri (a quick tip of the babushka to Yuri), I’ve gained access to the mother of all holiday databases: Santa’s list of who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.

I’d swiftly change a few of Santa’s decisions and create my own.

Here’s who would fill the top three slots on my naughty and nice lists, respectively (as well as the gifts an unsuspecting Santa will be putting in their stockings on Christmas Eve):


1.) POTUS. No surprise here but, hey, the guy’s latest chief of staff has gone on record as calling him “a terrible human being.”

I wouldn’t fill the president’s stocking with coal (he’d misinterpret that as a high five from Kris Kringle for pouring fossil fuels into the atmosphere).

No sir. The Donald will receive an autographed copy of It Takes a Village.

2.) Bill Cosby. What better stocking stuffer for this serial rapist than an eight-year supply of Benadryl and a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves?

3.) BCG, McKinsey and Booz-Allen Hamilton. These three global powerhouses not only refused to withdraw from the infamous “Davos in the Desert” forum in Saudi Arabia, they actually increased their presence by sponsoring every single speaking event.

Santa will fill the stockings of the three shameless CEOs of these firms with one-way tickets to the North Pole. That’ll teach ‘em. #BundleUp


1.) Pat Ford. I realize this name may not resonate beyond the wild and wacky world of public relations, but Pat Ford is the nicest person in a field that could benefit by his example.

Santa’s stocking stuffer for Pat is a press release announcing the smile emoji has been redesigned to reflect that of Mr. Ford’s.

2.)  Derek Jeter. It pains this lifelong Mets fan and Yankees hater to write this but, even in retirement, Jeter continues to personify the very best qualities I’ve ever witnessed in a celebrity.

Regardless, Jeter’s Christmas morning stuffer will be a retro Tommie Agee jersey from the the 1969 Miracle Mets.

3.) Every single person who has set aside personal political beliefs to help improve someone else’s life.

These selfless individuals’ stocking stuffer will be a signed photo of Santa worded, “Thanks for doing your part to end this insanity.”

Peace on earth and good will to every living creature (and Repman reader).

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