I hate spammers. You hate spammers. We all hate spammers. And yet their numbers seem to grow exponentially with each passing week
I’m contemptuous of Sunday spammers in particular. And I find myself especially peeved by those who don’t bother to conduct any due diligence before spamming you on a day that really should be sacrosanct (for believers and non-believers alike).
One Sunday spammer crossed the line about six weeks ago when he sent our agency marketing team (of which I am a proud, if non-participating, member) a group e-mail containing the salutation:
“Dear Steve and Ed….”
This got my attention since we have been free of anyone named Ed for well nigh on three years. I decided to respond in a way that people who know me will appreciate:
“Dear Dudley,” I wrote to the spammer. “Ed’s been busy of late, but I’m sure he’ll respond as soon as he comes up for air.”
Dudley sent me a quick thank you note.
Then, sure as rain, the agency marketing team received another unsolicited Sunday spam from Dudley the next week.
The salutation read: “Dear Steve and Ed. Just following up to see if you had 15 minutes free this coming Tuesday for a product demo that will absolutely blow your minds!”
Ignoring his hyperbole, I responded: “Hi Dud (I thought we’d reached the point in our spammer/spammee relationship where I could address him by his nickname). As I‘ve already mentioned, Ed handles these sorts of inquiries and will be in touch shortly.”
Dud once again thanked me.
Then, last Sunday, Dudley came knocking for a third time. His unsolicited pitch letter began: “Dear Steve and Ed: With Thanksgiving now just 15 days away, I wanted to lock in a 10-minute product demo that will knock your socks off.”
Not wanting my mind blown or socks blown off, I thought I’d throw Dud a curveball. I wrote: “Thanks, as always, for your follow-up. Unfortunately, Ed suffered a freak injury while raking leaves yesterday and has lost the use of the fingers he’d otherwise use to respond to your once-in-a-lifetime offer.”
I didn’t hear a peep from Dudley yesterday.
Perhaps he was taken aback by the note and wasn’t sure how an inveterate spammer should respond to a spammee reporting a key player having been placed on the disabled list?
I tried to go inside the head of a spammer. Should Dudley take the high road and ask for an address to send flowers to Ed?
Should he offer an immediate 30 percent discount on whatever the hell he was trying to sell in the first place?
It’s a spamming conundrum that demands resolution. Does…
– Dudley continue his spamming next Sunday?
– He make a note to circle back in, say, 30 days of Sunday’s? I mean, how badly could Ed have injured himself with a rake?
– Or does he take the high road and say to himself, “Dammit Dudley. Let’s just remove Steve’s and Ed’s names (as well the agency marketing team’s group e-mail address) from the database and move the heck on? They deserve some peace and quiet.”
Time alone will tell if I scammed the spammer and did my bit to keep our collective Sunday‘s free of at least one unwanted spam in our in box.