Apr 30

Mick Cody takes umbrage with AP-Petside poll; says dogs rarely listen to their human owners


April 30 - dogs Mick Cody, a seven-year-old pit bull terrier, is upset with the findings of a recent AP-Petside poll of some 1,100 pet owners. The survey says one-third of pet-owning married women believe their pets are better listeners than their husbands (18 percent of pet-owning married men said the same thing).

'That's breed stereotyping,' said Mick. 'I'm sick and tired of hearing that dogs are great listeners. We're not. Trust me, we dial humans out after the first or second complaint.'

Mick also took exception with the poll results showing that most people believe their pets are stable and seldom struggle with depression. 'Are they serious?' Mick snarled. 'My master got me hooked on watching the Mets and Jets on TV. You want to talk depressing? I didn't bark for a month after the Mets blew that huge lead a few seasons back.'

The offer of a bone, a walk or a ride in the car are the only things that Mick says make his ears perk up. 'Otherwise, it's garbage in-garbage out. My mom complains about her aches and pains and my dad always has some issue with his business. You think that stuff doesn't get old real quick?'

If given an opportunity to do so, Mick said he'd bite 55-year-old Ron Farber of Hoxie, Kansas. Farber is quoted in the AP article as saying a '…dog doesn't have an opinion.' The pit bull bared his teeth when told of Farber's comment and howled, 'No opinion, huh? How's this? All politicians suck. All cable channels suck except Animal Planet. And, all 55-year-old dog owners from Hoxie, Kansas, suck!'

Believing that revenge is a dish best served cold, Mick says he's approaching an AP competitor to pitch a humanside poll. 'I want to survey 1,100 dogs and ask them whether they think their owners talk too much, are repetitive as hell and never pick up after themselves. He who barks last, barks best.'

Thanks to Greg Schmalz for the idea behind this post.

Aug 17

MICK AND ROONEY CODY, OTHER CANINE LEADERS, ‘INCENSED’ OVER MICHAEL VICK SIGNING

– Vow ‘scorched earth’ policy against eagles of all sorts – 

Lincroft, NJ, August 17, 2009 – Mick  and Rooney Cody, leaders of the militant  Dirty  Dog Underground movement headquartered here, expressed outrage at the recent signing of Michael Vick by the Philadelphia Eagles. Mick rooney cody

Speaking at a hastily called press  conference  at a local dog park, Mick Cody, the older and more vicious of the two Cody canines, said, “Birds everywhere, and eagles in particular, should be ashamed of themselves. The latter have just paid millions of dollars to Michael Vick, a man who has led a virtual ethnic cleansing of pooches (not that some us couldn't use a good grooming, mind you.) My brother and I are incensed and won't rest until the Eagles change their minds. Well, we may take a nap or two, but we won't rest.”

Rooney Cody echoed his older sibling's emotions, and added, “We've declared a jihad against eagles of all types until this horrific decision has been overturned. Up until now, my brother and I have limited our barking and overall harassment to cats, ground hogs, squirrels and an occasional mole. Guess what Eagles? You're now looking at a scorched earth policy and the mother of all wars!”

Other canine leaders from liberal and conservative camps alike have issued statements condemning the NFL team's decision to hire the convicted dog abuser. “We howled all night,” said Benny Barker, president of the NAAC (The National Association for the Advancement of Canines). Penny Pooch, chairdog of the AARD (American Association of Retired Dogs) echoed a similar sentiment, “Many of us in the senior dog community rolled over in delight when Mr. Vick was put behind bars. Now, we're whimpering in sorrow and many chapters report members literally walking with their tails between their legs after hearing the Vick news.”

All three dog communities have vowed to boycott (or caninecott, if you prefer) home and away games of the Eagles. “We're also planning a 'Lift Your Hind Leg' Day at the Eagles home opener,” noted Mick Cody. “Imagine thousands of area canines lifting their legs in protest in the Eagles parking lot before kickoff. That'll put a damper on any tailgating.”

Vick, his agent, and the Philadelphia Eagles organization were unavailable for comment. A spokesman for the Eagles did, however, offer to forward a year's supply of 'Beggin Strips' to the Cody canines.

“Bite me!” snapped Rooney, when told of the offer.

Aug 05

Taking a cue from their human counterparts, the Dog Channel and Cat TV declare a ‘truce’

Co-written by Steve Cody and Michael Dresner

August 5 - hug_it_out Executives for the warring animal cable networks, Dog Channel and Cat TV, announced today they would lower the amount of venom in their attacks on one another.
The announcement comes in the wake of a similar truce called by the humans who run Fox and MSNBC, respectively.

The animal networks have been engaged in a nasty cat-and-mouse game of late over the nationality of Bo, the first dog.

Dog Channel commentators have repeatedly stressed that Bo was born and raised in Hawaii. Cat TV, particularly its pit bull-like, on-air personality, Bill O'Feline, have suggested otherwise. 'Bo comes from a long line of Afghan wolfhounds with direct Al Qaeda connections,' said O'Feline.

Fed up with the invective, advertisers ranging from PetCo to Purina have threated to yank their advertising from both networks. 'Either they put a muzzle on it, or we'll take our money elsewhere,' warned Lawrence O. Leash, CMO of Purina's spot buying service.

The Dog Channel pounced first by offering an obviously-chewed olive branch. 'Dogs have always been the warmer and more compassionate breed, so we're willing to move on and let bygones be bygones,' said W. Herbert Hound, president of the Dog Channel. 'Bo's a true blue American, just like all canines.'

Hound said he'd sniffed the hindquarters of The Dog Channel's lead personality, Keith Doberman, and that the two were 'in-step' on the decision. Hound added that he and Doberman were 'being taken on a walk' but would be available for further comment later in the day. Prior to their walk, however, Doberman barked emphatically on the issue. “The country would never have done this to Socks,” he said.

Speaking on behalf of Cat TV, CEO Marybeth Furball-Meow, arched her back and hissed: 'We stand by our original statements. Bo's ancestry resembles a dog's breakfast. Should our nation of pets be lead by a foreign-born canine? We think not. And, we're tired of the harassment from an obviously slower, less intelligent breed. We'll continue to go our own way, and provide 'the truth' to the feline community in particular, and animals in general. By the way, it's time The Dog Channel put a leash on Doberman.' Ms. Furball Meow – who counts Jayson Blair and Stephen Glass among her journalist mentors – is currently on assignment in the beltway, verifying shocking reports that Bo is leveraging federal funds (“Your tax dollars at work, my American friends,” she said) to rally a global corporate Keiretsu in re-launching the famous (and tasty) brand, Cycle One.

The two networks have been fighting like, well cats and dogs, since the First Dog initiated legislation calling for universal pet health care. Cat TV's O'Feline has repeatedly said Bo's plan is a first step towards a Socialistic state in which the government will decide how much kitty litter each cat will be allotted. Bo, and his Dog Channel supporters, believe universal pet care is critically important, especially for the nation's poorer dogs. Though Bo could not be reached for comment, his colleagues – reporting on condition of anonymity – said the Obama’s dog is dumbfounded by O’Feline’s conclusions.  “O’Feline is blowing the legislation way out of proportion, and turning an otherwise normal day in congress into a national, press-making issue,” the source said.  “Bo, for one, wishes we could all just settle this over a beer.”

In an unrelated programming note, The Dog Channel announced Mr. Doberman will be hosting a two-part special beginning tonight entitled, 'Being a dog in America.'

Jun 02

Mo knows

I'm a huge dog person. Always have been. Always will be. Named my agency after our black lab, Pepper. Love hanging out with our two current pooches, Mick and Rooney. But, for all my contact with canines over the years, I never thought I'd have a dog to thank for leading me to the summit of one very tough mountain peak.

June 2 - mountain

Last weekend, 'Repman, Jr,' his buddy, Mark, and I attempted to climb 14,197 ft Mt. Belford in Buena Vista, Colorado. We'd been warned we might encounter snow and ice near the summit, but nothing prepared us for the whiteout conditions we hit about 2,000 feet below the peak. It was too intense and, since we were climbing without our friend and guide, Stafford Davis (a victim of altitude sickness), we decided to turn around.

We were bummed. But, with the snow howling and the wind intensifying, it was the smart, sensible thing to do. And, then, after about 500 feet of descent, we spied a couple and their dog happily making their way towards us. 

They were locals who knew the mountain well. They told us the snow would let up (it never did, btw) and to just follow their dog, Mo (short for Mohave. They'd found him abandoned in the Mohave Desert and rescued him).

So, with more than a little trepidation, we shrugged our shoulders, retraced our steps and followed Mo, which wasn't easy. Mo adored climbing in the snow. He'd bound ahead of us at Mach speed and then stop and roll around in the two-foot snow drifts. The pooch really lifted our spirits, gave us a canine compass to follow and, sure enough, after a few more grueling hours, led us to the peak.

June 2 - hiking

Aside from a pat on the head, I never had a chance to properly thank our guardian angel of a dog. So, here's to you Mo. There's definitely a place in dog heaven for you.