RepMan

Mind the message gap

‘For emergency egress keep stairs clear.’
   
That's what a notice pasted on the wall of a New Jersey Transit train reads. The sign elicited an immediate double take from me.
   
'Egress'? Really? 'Egress'? Is Ernest Hemingway now composing copy for NJT?
   
As I looked around at my fellow passengers, I saw a hodgepodge of white-collar workers, high school and college kids on Summer vacation, as well as the flotsam and jetsam of society.
   
I wondered how many would understand the word egress. More importantly, how many would understand the sign if, god forbid, an emergency should occur?
   
NJT is a train wreck of an organization in every conceivable sense. In addition to surly conductors, chronically-delayed trains and restroom facilities that rival the Black Hole of Calcutta, we can now add unintelligible signage.
   
Note to NJT passengers: In addition to minding the gap as you depart, mind the messages as well. If they don't make sense, ask a conductor for a translation. The life you save may be your own.

Reelin’ in the years

It’s my birthday. No big deal in the grand scheme of things but, as Pink Floyd once wrote, ‘Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.’ Maudlin to be sure, but since we’re all mortal, it’s tough not to reflect on what’s been accomplished and what’s still to be done.

In that spirit, I’ve given some thought to what I’m most proud of and what I’d like to do between now and the inevitable appearance of the Grim Reaper. Here goes:

Accomplishments:

• Chris and Catharine
• Peppercom
• McGraw-Hill published book, ‘What’s keeping your customer up at night?’ (continues to fly off the bookshelves in Third World countries while gathering dust here)
• 75 or so stand-up comedy performances
• One ‘improv’ performance at the Upright Citizens Brigade theatre in NYC (easily the toughest mental challenge I’ve yet faced)
• Mountain climbing, ice climbing, three half marathons and two 18-mile marathons
• PR industry awards, bylined articles, speeches, panels, agency of the year, yada, yada
• Mentoring more than one dazed and confused college student

Goals:

• Learning a second language
• Playing a musical instrument
• Climbing at least three more of the Seven Summits
• Rock climbing
• Antarctica and the Galapagos
• Acting
• Completing my swimming lessons and finishing a sprint triathalon

Reflecting on my mortality, I’m reminded of the classic William Saroyan quip, ‘Everybody has got to die, but I have always believed an exception would be made in my case.’ If only……

ConsultantSpeak is Oftentimes Doublespeak, or Worse

I often walk away from meetings with consultants shaking my head. "What did they just say?" I'll ask myself. Other times, I'll suddenly come to a dead stop on the stroll back to my office and realize that nothing of any import at all was discussed. That's because many consultants, especially strategy consultants, speak a foreign language. It's a highly complex language that rivals Japanese or Mandarin and comes replete with buzz words like synergy and symbiotic. ConsultantSpeak sounds cool, sleek and sophisticated. But, it's almost always lacking in substance.

You know what's even worse, though? When ConsultantSpeak words or phrases aren’t even used correctly. Take the phrase "quantum leap," for example. Consultants adore it. They cherish it. And, they'll almost always use it to tout a new product or "solution set" (more buzz words, by the way). "We perceive the new FD-3000 as taking a quantum leap over the competition," they'll beam. Well, guess what? According to basic science terms, a quantum leap is anything but. In fact, it rarely means a large change and can, in fact, be synonymous with little or no change whatsoever:

"In real physical systems a quantum leap is not necessarily a large change, and can in fact be very insignificant. A good example of this can be taken from the Bohr model of the hydrogen atom, where the observed energy shifts associated with shifts of different quantum states (quantum leaps) span a wide range from large to small (when compared to the energy required to completely free an electron). In the popular sense, the term is usually applied to mean a large or significant change, which is thus not strictly correct."

So, the next time you're wallowing in a conference room surrounded by consultants spouting words and phrases like epoch-making, change agent and shifting sands, listen up for the "Q" word and correct the speaker. It'll rock their systematic synthesizing of the socialized status quo. More importantly, it'll make you feel good.

Thanks to Darryl Salerno for the idea.

Word Police Announce Nationwide Search for the Verb "Said"

The nation's various vocabulary, word and diction agencies announced a nationwide search today for the verb "said."

A first-of-its-kind collaboration, the massive online and offline hunt was prompted by what one wordsmith called a "total absence of a once-proud verb."

"It amazes me," said Dexter Poindexter, president of the American Word Protection Association (AWPA). "We're literally witnessing a verbal ethnic cleansing aimed at what, until recently, had been a mainstay of the English language."

As proof, Poindexter and other fans of the English language, pointed to the near universal use of such substitute words as "like" and "goes," especially by the so-called Millenials.

Poindexter sighed and added, "All one hears today are young people using such phrases as:

• '...And I'm like....'

• '....And, then he goes....'

• '....So, they're like......'"

According to the AWPA announcement, the verb "said" was last seen around the turn of the 21st century. He appeared to be in good shape at the time and, say officials, hadn't expressed any concern about his declining use in printed or oral language.

"I distinctly remember Mr. Said being very happy, and really looking forward to observing the turn-of-the-century celebrations with his fellow verbs. Then, poof, he vanishes off the face of the earth," noted Martha Malaprop, executive director of Worldwide Words Institute (WWI).

"We don't know if this is a conspiracy or some sort of heinous, new type of global terrorism," said Poindexter. "All we know is that we want 'said' back and we want him back now. 'Nuff said?"

Anyone with information is urged to contact the AWPA or WWI websites (both of which have added special www.wheressaid.com hyperlinks and microsites).