May 18

We need the Navy Seals to take down the bin Laden of Burgers

Some 55Presentation10 leading health care professionals and organizations have signed their names to a  full-page advertisement running today in six national newspapers. It's a call to action pleading with McDonald's to stop its sleazy, subversive marketing to kids and to retire their damnable corporate icon, Ronald McDonald.

Fuggedaboutit! The ad won't work because McDonald's won't stop marketing to kids. They can't. The impact on future sales would be too horrible to contemplate. (Could you imagine life without plus-sized families wolfing down Big Macs five times a week? How positively un-American.)

Instead, America's health groups should get serious, mobilize their monies, marshal their troops, and declare war on McDonald's. And, public enemy number one of what I'm calling 'Operation: Waistline' should be Ronald McDonald himself.

In my mind, Ronald's the bin Laden of Burgers, the Pol Pot of Poor Diets and the Hitler of Healthy Living.

And, I'd engage the same elite Seal 6 team that took out bin Laden in his Abbottabad compound for this surgical strike. Why not? They've got a proven plan and are ready to roll.

I'd have the Seals initiate a midnight raid on Mickey D's Oakbrook, Illinois, headquarters. I'll bet they'd catch Ronald watching the tube (hopefully nothing worse than PG-13 content). I picture him lying in bed, wearing just his red overalls. He'll have an arm draped around one or more of his morbidly obese wives while puffing on a cigarette and scarfing down some fries and a chocolate shake.

As was the case with bin Laden, I'd tell the Seals to take him down ASAP. Who knows what a cornered corporate icon might do in a moment of desperation? Waste him. Plus, no one wants Ronald McDonald alive and put on trial. The guy's a real charmer and that red and yellow costume might just sway a jurist or two. No, I'd tell the Seals to put one bullet just above Ronald's eye.

Then, let's bury him in an undisclosed location in Lake Michigan. We don't want McDonald's fanatics making a shrine out of Ronald's final resting spot.

The Mob likes to say if you 'cut off the head, the body will die.' I think health care professionals need to adopt the same strategy with McDonald's. Whack Ronald and watch our nation's obesity epidemic (and waistlines) slowly, but surely, contract.

One caveat to the Seals, though. Do yourselves a public relations favor and don't adopt an American Indian code word such as Geronimo for Ronald. There's no need to undermine the results by alienating an important minority.

So, let's get to work. Let's infiltrate Ronald's inner circle, use some advanced terror techniques to determine his daily habits, get some spy satellites to focus their cameras on his compound and get this deed done. If Obama doesn't want to issue the final execute command, I will.

Ronald McDonald must die if America is to live. It's go time!!!!

Apr 01

Just call me the Mr. Blackwell of Corporate Icons

April 1 Remember the late Mr. Blackwell? The man who made tons of money and received oodles of publicity for publishing an annual list of Hollywood's best and worst-dressed celebrities? Well, I've decided it's high time the world of  had its own best and worst lists.

But, before unveiling who made my list, I think it's important you first understand my motivation.

Corporate icons exist for a reason. They personify a brand's essence and, de facto, an organization's values. Whether their creators agree or not, I believe icons send a very direct message to anyone and everyone who comes into contact with them. That's why I wrote in yesterday's blog that Ronald McDonald has done incalculable harm. Why? Because kids love the loveable clown and the loveable clown gets kids to love his calorie-laden Big Macs and fries.

In light of America's obesity problem, I think every major corporation should take a second look at its icon to see if the tiger, cow or panther in question might be sending a subliminal message that obesity is A-OK.

So, with that criteria in mind, it's time to unveil Mr. RepMan's fittest and least fit corporate icons.

Fittest icons……

1.) Mr. Clean. The man has been jacked from day one. You may think he's ingesting steroids and that Mr. Clean is actually the A-Rod of kitchen cleaning. No way. Juicing didn't exist when this bald buffed boy toy made his debut way back when.
2.) The Jolly Green Giant. This fella could start for any NBA team. He's tall, lean and muscular. And, you've got to believe his diet is rife with beans, peas, and other good stuff. No wonder he's so jolly. The man's high on life.
3.) Brawny. The name speaks for itself. Well done, B.
4.) Tony the Tiger. You look ggggggreat!
5.) The Marlboro Man. So what if the guy was filling his lungs with deadly carcinogens, he looked great doing it.

And, now Mr. RepMan's least fit corporate icons……

1.) The Michelin Man. This guy's had serious middle age spread from day one and has never made any effort to lose the spare tire. Get on a treadmill, Michelin Man!
2.) The Pillsbury Dough Boy. Talk about a heart attack waiting to happen. This icon's clogged arteries have clogs. Has he not heard of gastric bypass surgery? It's 'Just do it,' not 'Just dough it.'
3.) Aunt Jemima. I understand it's tough when your life consists of waffles, pancakes and syrup, but think about inserting some fruit in your diet, Jemima.
4.) The Kool-Aid Man. The man sells empty calories and smiles about it all day long? C'mon. where's the accountability?
5.) Elsie the Cow. Moo is no longer cool. Even cows can stand to lose a little weight. I'd like to see some more muscle definition, Elsie.

That's Mr. RepMan's list. Thoughts? Comments? Observations? Bueller?

Mar 31

The trial of Ronald McDonald

March 31 A coalition of health care professionals, parents and corporate accountability advocates are calling for the retirement of fast-food icon, Ronald McDonald. The coalition, Corporate Accountability International, plans to hold ‘retirement parties’ for good ol’ Ronald at various McDonald’s restaurants and college campuses. They believe the clownish icon is a huge cause of our nation’s obesity problems. And, I agree. I think retiring Ronald is a cool idea. But, it doesn’t go far enough.

In my mind, Ronald McDonald is a cartoon criminal, responsible for causing much of America’s obesity problem (I’m sure there’s a direct correlation between the growth of the McDonald’s chain since the 1950s and America’s expanding waistline). In fact, I think Ronald McDonald should go on trial for his crimes against humanity.

I believe a smart district attorney could put together a fool-proof case for the jury’s consideration. And, here’s how I envision the cross examination:

D.A.: “Mr. McDonald, your corporation is serving billions of Big Macs daily. How many calories a day do you think that adds up to? Trillions? Zillions?”

McDonald: “Duh-huh. I don’t make the hamburgers, Mr. District Attorney. I just bring happiness to people’s lives.”

D.A.: “Nice. How many morbidly obese people do you think are happy, Mr. McDonald?”

McDonald: “Duh-huh. I see lots of happy, rolly polly people every day, Mr. District Attorney.”

D.A.: “I’ll bet you do. Your honor, if it pleases the court, I’d like to enter into evidence this MRI photograph of severe arterial blockage. It was taken of a lifelong devotee of McDonald’s hamburgers who recently died of a massive heart attack. Mr. McDonald: how does that make you feel?”

McDonald: “Duh-huh. Hungry, Mr. District Attorney. Hungry. That picture looks like one of my super-sized Macs. Kids just love ‘em to death.”

D.A.: “You mean they love them until they’re killed by them, is that what you’re saying Mr. McDonald?”

McDonald: “Duh-huh. I’m just the Chief Happiness Officer of McDonald’s, Mr. District Attorney. You’d have to ask someone else about death. That’s a real downer.”

D.A.: “No further questions, your honor.”

Judge: “You’re free to step down, Mr. McDonald.”

McDonald: “Duh-huh. Thanks your honor. That was fun.”

Judge: “You may not think so when the jury returns a guilty verdict, Mr. McDonald.”