Makin’ Bacon

J&D'sBaconBabyFormulaIf  you’re struggling to find the perfect holiday gift for the oafish, overweight or offensive man in your life, worry not. I have the answer: Power Bacon deodorant.

Yes, Virginia, someone actually makes underarm deodorant that smells just like bacon. The guys who make it, Justin and Dave, say it’s aimed at “…friends, acquaintances, beautiful strangers, dogs, bears, swamp alligators, lions and even pigs. It’s like an aphrodisiac for your armpits.” I’d say it’s more like an atom bomb for your armpits.

Could you imagine wearing this stuff on a first date or a job interview?

But, wait, if bacon-flavored deodorant isn’t your cup of bacon-flavored tea, Justin and Dave also produce:
– bacon lip balm
– baconnaise
– bacon lip balm (and, wouldn’t that make for a memorable first kiss?).

Justin and Dave began their business by inventing bacon salt which, they proudly boast, “…makes everything taste like bacon.” I can’t wait to sprinkle it on my Dover Sole.

The bacon guys remind me of the Heart Attack Grill owner in Arizona. They both revel in the brutally gross, offensive and unhealthy stuff they make.

But, and this is a big but (not butt), they’re direct and honest in their messaging. There’s no ersatz, feel-good subterfuge one finds with McDonald’s, Coke or other obesity-enablers who trumpet their good works and wrap themselves in the American flag.

Nope. The bacon guys are pushing gross products, and make no bacon-flavored bones about it. I respect that. It repels me. But, I respect it nonetheless.

America needs fewer Janus-faced marketers such as Mickey D. and more authentic ones like the bacon boys.

If the people in our lives want to shovel down a Triple-Bypass Cheeseburger or sprinkle bacon salt on their French Fries, I say let them enable their own personal destruction.

Oh, and a quick, final note to Justin and Dave: when will you have bacon-flavored climbing harnesses? I couldn’t imagine anything more satisfying than reaching the summit of a 15,000-ft peak and sucking in the heady aroma of bacon.

4 thoughts on “Makin’ Bacon

  1. Great stuff, P.P. I never knew I smelled like an onion. That’s good information to have. Now I know why I’ve made so many women cry.

  2. I like it. Face it, most men smell like onions when not wearing deodorant, with the “Power Bacon”, you’re not far from a BLT. I’d take a bite.
    Seriously though, don’t stop at the pits. Aside from your point about their honest messaging can we talk for a minute about other products that are distastefully scented?
    I never understood lemon or citrus scented furniture polish and spray starch. Who really wants their furniture to smell like an orange tree?
    For those that still iron, why would they want their freshly pressed clothes to smell like a lemon? Then there’s vanilla bean body lotion. Dare I mention the plethora of pumpkin scented products? My list goes on, but you get the point.
    I don’t want to smell like a vanilla bean all day nor my man smell like lard. Leave that up to my coffee and breakfast.

  3. You would probably be attacked by animals. I’m sorry, but this product line is truly gross. I’d rather smell BO.