Category Archives: Fatty Fatty Two By Four Can’t Get Through the Bathroom Door

Dec 01

A squeezed middle in the midst of a widening waistline

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Fat-man-boatThe Oxford University Press just anointed the phrase ‘squeezed middle’ as its ‘word of the year’. The phrase, of course, refers to the financial pinch being felt by the American middle class in the midst of a never-ending recession.

I find it ironic, though, that the Oxford word wizards would choose ones that illustrate the exact opposite of what’s happening to the population’s collective waistlines. Two recent cases in point illustrate the dichotomy. The first appeared in The New York Times and told the sad story of America’s truckers. According to Abby Ellin’s article, an astounding 86 percent of the country’s 3.2 million truck drivers are overweight or obese! And, check out this tidbit provided by Brett Blower, director of marketing and development for the Healthy Trucking Association of America. A few years back, Blower’s group conducted a blood screening of more than 2,000 truckers at an annual truck show. “We sent 21 directly to the emergency room, and one of them had a heart attack on the way there,” he recalled. Talk about road kill. Wow!

At the same time truckers are dropping like flies (note: Ellin’s article blames the truckers’ sedentary lifestyle and the calorie-rich gruel served at truck stops as the chief cause of their obesity), Congress is fighting hard to undermine the Obama Administration’s efforts to take unhealthy foods out of our nation’s schools. I guess knowing that most Americans today are overweight isn’t good enough for Congress; they’re thinking long-term.

In fact, if Republicans get their way, the tomato paste used on pizza would be counted as a vegetable and they’d overturn efforts to limit the use of potatoes on the lunch line, put new restrictions on the use of sodium and boost the use of whole grains. It’ll be a huge win for potato-growers, frozen pizza makers and the salt industry, respectively; and a huge loss for the health and well-being of our kids.

So, while I wouldn’t quibble with the Oxford University Press opting for squeezed middle as the word of the year (after all, it’s the economy, stupid!), I would nominate a co-winner for the 2011 word or phrase of the year: ‘self-inflicted wound’. I cannot think of any other nation at any other point in history that has done more harm to itself than modern-day America. Of course, I missed Rome circa 476 A.D. and Athens about 800 years prior to that, but I can’t believe either society could compete with ours for sheer stupidity.

Sep 13

White Castle’s conundrum

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White-castle
What would you do if you sat in the White Castle CEO seat? The low end, fast food purveyor has been peddling fattening fare for decades but they've just been sued by a severely obese customer who says the 'restaurant's' booth seats are too small!

This could only happen in America.

It's also a classic conundrum. White Castle exists to fatten people up for the kill. But, the 290-pound Wall Street stockbroker wants to be compensated because he can't squeeze his already massive hulk into a White Castle seat. So, what to do if you're White Castle? It would be hilarious if it weren't so sad. (Want to check your own weight status? click here.)

I have a win-win solution.

White Castle should embrace its core differentiator, declare itself America's first 'Friend of the Fat' and partner with the roly poly stockbroker to redesign the chain's booths. How cool would that be?

In fact, WC should expand (ouch) on my idea by creating a crowdsourcing contest and invite the obese, severely obese and morbidly obese of the world to submit their ideas. The person who submits the winning booth design would receive a lifetime supply of those disgusting, little burgers and have all the medical expenses paid for his or her upcoming massive stroke or quadruple bypass.

This has Silver Anvil award written all over it.

As Don Levin, my first boss at Hill & Knowlton used to say, “Where the client sees a challenge, we see an opportunity.” White Castle doesn't have a conundrum. It has a unique branding and marketing opportunity. Carpe diem, White Castle. Now's the time to declare yourself the very first openly friendly friend of the junk food junkie. Oh, and by the way, you should make that money-grubbing, slob of a stockbroker your new corporate spokesperson. You were made for each other.

Aug 26

The Pol Pot of supersized portions

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First it was Hosni Mubarak. Then, Muammar el-Qaddafi. Now comes news there's been a coup d'etat at Burger King as well, and the King has been banished.

The media cited words such as 'creepy' and 'disturbing' to explain the king's overthrow. I'd add “…horrific role model, guilty of encouraging millions to eat themselves to an early grave”.

Ronald_mcdonald_arrestedWith the king gone, I'm hoping that, like the Arab Spring, we'll now see an Obesity Fall. And Ronald McDonald should be the first to go.

The sadistic-looking clown is public enemy number one. He's the ultimate fast food despot who, in fact, has a far creepier and disturbing side than the late Burger King. Ronald, you see, was purposely created to be a junk food version of Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck. Kids loved Ronald and, boy, did Ronald love kids (mind you, I'm not suggesting pedophilia was a motivator. To the best of my knowledge, Ronald was never ordained).

Ronald McDonald ensnared generations of unwitting kids with his mini amusement park rides, Happy Meal treats and 'life is a blast' at Mickey D's marketing campaigns. The bastard is single-handedly responsible for countless cases of morbid obesity and their associated complications. He's the Pol Pot of supersized portions.

So, here's hoping that, with the king gone, we'll now see Ronald McDonald deposed. And, let's not stop there. The Obesity Fall should include Colonel Sanders, the Pillsbury Dough Boy (who should be chained to a treadmill until he losses those multiples layers of dough) and other icons of obesity.

The king is dead! Long live sensible eating!

Now, let's round up some mercenaries, a platoon or two of paramilitary types and order a NATO air strike on Oakbrook, Illinois (where Ronald and his family maintain their palatial estate).

Aug 17

And smoking cigarettes is good for your health

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Ske_couch_potato_lgRonald McDonald must be smiling from ear to maniacal ear after reading a truly bizarre new  report from the York University School of Kinesiology & Health Science.

In the York study, assistant professor Jennifer L. Kuk says obese people who are otherwise healthy live just as long as their slim counterparts. And, get this, Kuk's study showed otherwise healthy obese people are even LESS likely than lean people to die of cardiovascular disease! Who funded this research, White Castle?

Dr. Kuk hypothesized that “…trying and failing to lose weight may be more detrimental than simply staying at an elevated body weight and engaging in a healthy lifestyle that includes physical activity and a balanced diet with plenty of fruits and vegetables.”

Now, hold on there, partner. If an obese person engages in a healthy lifestyle that includes physical activity and a balanced diet with plenty of fruits and vegetables, he'd no longer be an obese person! What am I missing here?

I don't buy Kuk's premise for one minute (or calorie, for that matter). In fact, I'd point her to an equally obtuse, just-released study from a slightly better known institution: Yale University's School of Medicine.

In that study, Yale's Dr. David L. Katz determined that people who watch six hours of television a day lose a full five years off their life. Why? Surprisingly, it's not the horrific programming. Instead, says Katz, a couch potato's lifestyle leads to “…a greater risk for obesity and the chronic diseases it tends to anticipate, notably diabetes, heart disease and cancer.” Put that in your Whopper with extra cheese and smoke it, Dr. Kuk.

Still, if Kuk can find a silver lining in obesity, I have to believe she'll be swamped with corporate funding offers from such merchants of death as R.J. Reynolds. I could see them paying her a cool (Kool?) mil to say smoking two packs of cigarettes a day actually improves one's heart and lung functions. And, I wouldn't be surprised to see Dos Equis underwrite a Kuk study that says downing a case of their swill once a week will enhance liver functions.

The sky's the limit for a woman who I'd label as the mad professor of death.

But, hey, if things don't work out for you at York University, Dr. Kuk, I know a great, new place for you to settle down: Evansville, Indiana. I'll bet the town fathers would welcome you with open arms and expanded waistlines. Heck, they'd probably even insist on building the "Jennifer L. Kuk Center for the Advancement of Obesity."

And a tip o' RepMan's hat to Sir Edward Aloysius Moed and Greg Schmalz for this idea.