– Vow ‘scorched earth’ policy against eagles of all sorts –
Lincroft, NJ, August 17, 2009 – Mick and Rooney Cody, leaders of the militant Dirty Dog Underground movement headquartered here, expressed outrage at the recent signing of Michael Vick by the Philadelphia Eagles.
Speaking at a hastily called press conference at a local dog park, Mick Cody, the older and more vicious of the two Cody canines, said, “Birds everywhere, and eagles in particular, should be ashamed of themselves. The latter have just paid millions of dollars to Michael Vick, a man who has led a virtual ethnic cleansing of pooches (not that some us couldn't use a good grooming, mind you.) My brother and I are incensed and won't rest until the Eagles change their minds. Well, we may take a nap or two, but we won't rest.”
Rooney Cody echoed his older sibling's emotions, and added, “We've declared a jihad against eagles of all types until this horrific decision has been overturned. Up until now, my brother and I have limited our barking and overall harassment to cats, ground hogs, squirrels and an occasional mole. Guess what Eagles? You're now looking at a scorched earth policy and the mother of all wars!”
Other canine leaders from liberal and conservative camps alike have issued statements condemning the NFL team's decision to hire the convicted dog abuser. “We howled all night,” said Benny Barker, president of the NAAC (The National Association for the Advancement of Canines). Penny Pooch, chairdog of the AARD (American Association of Retired Dogs) echoed a similar sentiment, “Many of us in the senior dog community rolled over in delight when Mr. Vick was put behind bars. Now, we're whimpering in sorrow and many chapters report members literally walking with their tails between their legs after hearing the Vick news.”
All three dog communities have vowed to boycott (or caninecott, if you prefer) home and away games of the Eagles. “We're also planning a 'Lift Your Hind Leg' Day at the Eagles home opener,” noted Mick Cody. “Imagine thousands of area canines lifting their legs in protest in the Eagles parking lot before kickoff. That'll put a damper on any tailgating.”
Vick, his agent, and the Philadelphia Eagles organization were unavailable for comment. A spokesman for the Eagles did, however, offer to forward a year's supply of 'Beggin Strips' to the Cody canines.
“Bite me!” snapped Rooney, when told of the offer.