Apr 22

Talk about pain-based selling

April 22 - Soap in Eye How many
hundreds of millions of dollars a year do you think the large consumer products
companies spend in research and development? My guess is ‘many.’ How many years
have the mega consumer brands such as Unilever, Procter & Gamble and
Colgate-Palmolive been in business? My guess is ‘many.’ So, how come they still
produce soap and shampoo that burns the bejesus out of my eyes when I use them?

Today was
a textbook example. I was minding my own business, finishing up what had been a
most uneventful shower when I applied some Pantene shampoo to my scalp (my
daughter loves this stuff). Sure enough, I started to feel a slight sensation
in my right eye and then, bam! lights out as I double over in agony. I blindly
groped for a towel and scrubbed until the slimy, scalding substance was out and
the pain subsided. The same thing happens with Dove Soap. Make one little
mistake and, bam! seaming pain.

So, why,
I ask can’t the highly paid and highly respected researchers and developers at
these companies find a painless solution? I think they don’t want to. In fact,
I think it’s a well-kept industry secret that a small, but select, cabal of
white-coated lab technicians gather annually at the Annual White-Coated Lab
Technicians Trade Show and Convention and secretly plot to keep creating soap
and shampoo that makes us cry out in pain. I imagine a conversation like this:

Sinkowitz,
Colgate-Palmolive
: ‘Hey, before the magician and kegs of beer arrive, can we
just discuss the ‘soap issue’?

Dalrymple,
P&G
: ‘If you like, but we’re good to go on my end.’

Angleterra,
Unilever
: ‘Ditto. We have no intention of making either soap or shampoo that
won’t continue to fry retinas and sear corneas.’

Sinkowitz:
 ‘Do I hear  a motion?’

Dalrymple:
‘I move that we once again refuse to research safer, gentler versions of soap
and shampoo.’

Angleterre:
‘I second.’

Sinkowitz:
‘All in favor?’

All:
‘Aye.’

Sinkowitz:
‘Opposed?’

Sinkowitz

:
‘The motion is carried. Now, how about discussing eye drops? Let’s really hit
them where it hurts.’